My wife an I watched this movie, Doubt. Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman. The sharpest end of acting you can have on celluloid. Awesome.
But at the end....as in the last few lines in the movie...Meryl who plays the hardest ass nun you've ever seen in action...breaks down into a blubbery mess because of her 'doubt'.
For me it syncopated a lot of spools of thought I have about myself in lots of the little compartments I keep parts of my life in. It tugged on questions of Faith and those I thrash violently in my mind, but in a much less benign way, tugged on questions of ability in cycling I harbor as I try to smash through barriers and achieve 'next levels'.
Ultimately I think I see the answer albeit opaquely and I can say the answer is not necessarily 'the' solution. It won't help me understand Faith any better nor will it transport me to the next level in my sport. It's about using that doubt as fuel to burn on the problem if you care deeply enough about it. It's about the decision point you personally need to face when doubt can make you run from a problem rather than throw yourself more thoroughly at it.
I'm getting older...but I don't feel whatsoever that any time is running out. In fact, each year builds upon the next....even with the struggles that get (intentionally) injected to make life worth living. And yet each year this doubt...keeps me coming back. Keeps me alive and questioning. Keeps me present to the problem space ensuring I'll never run or give up.
Then again, some may call this pattern 'insanity'. But I can't live any other way.