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Cross Racing Week 2 | Nutted

Testicles are an awesome invention. Actually it should be awesome with a capital 'A' and italicized. Yes, testicles. They can bring you such joy, like a gaggle of children and equally bring you such pain like when they get kicked....or in my case pancaked on my saddle by the single most unPRO means possible: the mis-mount. Ball squashing tales in a second....

Yesterday was Boulder Racing No. 1 at the Louisville Rec Center. A course that is a mountain biker's paradise, more than a criterium racer's playground. Technical climbs, bumpy grass descents and tons of barriers would ensure the 'crossers ruled the day.

The sun was blazing at 9:45 AM when the 35 Master's toed the line. Brandon and Jeremiah had the Boulder Cycle Sport tent up and active providing awesome support to just about anyone who needed help. My Ridley's were ready to go...but I was not sure about the body as I woke up heady and tired from the long trip to SSWC and CrossVegas.

Call ups done, the pretty large field waited in anticipation for the whistle. My plan was to 'not work' and just see how the body would come around and do something late in the race.

"Tweeeeeeet!" we're off and I roll fairly easily from the start...sort of parade lapping the field into the race and easing up the tempo to try and get folks into some level of discomfort and see who is ready to giddy up. This worked and my team mate and today's race promoter Brian Hludzinski and I peeled off a few and got a big gap right away.

The players came to play fairly quickly and by lap 3 with Mitch Westall, Brian H, Denis Farell, Mike Hogan, Michael Robson, a Mafia racer who is a super nice guy yet whose name I am spacing on and yours truly. Well, I got what I wanted in a split and a dream scenario came to pass: my teamie Brian broke lose and laid wood and I merely had to sit in. That is, if I could stomach it while not feeling so hot this AM.

So we rolled lap after lap and places were swapped; Denis would lead, then me, then Robson. Mitch would attack, Hogan would come by and so on. An attack would go and I'd wheel suck to cover. Pretty standard issue. Robson was on a tear with the Mafioso and I was glued. Denis, Hogan Brian and Mitch were in eye shot. We crested the hill, Dubba screaming at me that they're tring up front! I'm thinking: shit, I'm tired too! And then, sweeping through the barriers and going for the happened: The ball squash.

Ed: Ladies and children, this is your time to bail on this have been warned.

I teach in my clinics to STABILIZE the rear of the bike on uneven surfaces. Why? So you do not mis-mount. What do I do? Not stabilize the rear of course. The Dugasts rattled and bounced and as I am in mid flight, caused the seat to move just a wee bit the wrong way.

Skoplooooooooopsh. The right nut. I've been nutted.

At first the pain made me get sick in my gullet instantaneously. I was going to vomit. Nut-pain is like none other. For the ladies (if you made it this far), I suspect if someone took a baseball bat and schwapped your boob, you'd not take it kindly. Now wrap those things in a mass of nerves and veins and all kinds of pluming and then get it schwapped. Electric pain. Pain that coud force you to eject anything out of both ends upon impact. Eyes closed (while still riding mind you) I opened my skinsuit all the way down and jammed a whole arm down there to inspect and ensure Mr. Left's partner Mr. Right didn't get pushed up into....God knows where. I messed with my junk as the pain waves reached my feet and head...radiating simultaneously. Unsheathing my buried hand from the depths of the skinsuit, I saw Robson and Mafia man ride away. I'd have to re-start the engines and stay the course....pedaling initially like a duck until The Twins decided to feel comfortable. Alas, the nut-pain turned to into anger and I went in pursuit, never to get on the train. Only meters and seconds to the 6th wheel away but so be it. Top 10 in 7th so I can't complain.

Moral of the story: stabilize, children. Stabilize those rear ends.

I skipped the Buena Vista race today as it came to pass and have what seems like H1N1 in the house. I feel like a steam roller wiped me out. Frisco next week. I love the courses those folks build. Shite weather? Hope. Hup hup.


Reader Comments (9)

LMMFAO !!!!!

September 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMike Seal

UGH!!! I feel your pain brother. I was out with the girlfriend today, helping her work on her mounts/dismounts, when it happened. Rolled up to the log, swung the leg through, hit the ground smooth and cleaned the log. Just as the tires were touching down, a hiker stepped out from a side trail. I shifted my sight from my line to the hiker, and started my remount....forgot to let go of the top tube. Both feet off the ground, leg going over, and right down on the jewels!! Came down on the saddle, pushed into my arm, went forward and right over the other side! Remember to breathe. Remember to breathe.

I often wonder if I could just have 'em removed. I already have a kid, so it's not like I need 'em, is it? Oh, if it were only that easy.

Drop me a line when you come to town. Maybe get a ride in, or just swing on by for some good 'ol home cooked Texas BBQ!

September 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDan

Saw it happen, and I noticed the next lap you remounted on the pavement, brutal to have your balls smashed and I felt your pain. The first race in Boulder i was pre riding with Doran, with sweatpants on, and they got snagged, racked my testes and was in pain the rest of the day. Testes, testes, one two LOL Hope my sinus problem and your flu get resolved for Frisco.


September 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterV

For me, whenever I smack them on something (toptube, gym equipment, whatever) there's a panicky, delayed moment before the earthquake of pain hits. Like the seconds between seeing the lightening and hearing the thunder. You know its coming, its gonna be bad, there's nothing you can do about it. And then it hits, and it usually radiates around to the lower back in a sickening, sledgehammer-to-the-kidneys feeling. The fact that you kept riding, that blows me away. Winners never quit and all that, but I'd have taken a knee for a lap or three.

September 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBeetjeveld

Hilarious...that is, to read about it. Glad to hear you were able to finish strong with Thing 1 and Thing 2 intact.

September 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterduvylove

That must have made for an interesting sight to see you riding with your arm jammed down your suit feeling for your junk.

September 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter100 pounds ago

After reading the part of "messed with my junk," I realized that we shook hands right after the race didn't we? Please tell me you used your left hand.....That's ok though, because I shook hands with Cospolich right after that.

September 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBKnight

Ditto the LMFAO, to quote Homer Simpson after watching an unsuspecting "Mole Man" get nutted by a football: "it's funny on so many levels..."

Of course, only laughing because I can commiserate as well, hasn't just about any self-respecting `crosser w/ the XY chromosomal pattern done that at *least* once? And of course, it's also funny, see above...

September 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLane

Sorry about the boys. Glad to know it happens to the best of us.

We crossing it up early in the AM tomorrow?

September 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJP

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