Entries in Ffamily (1)
These are days that I want you to remember my sweet boys. Even if you don't understand it all completely, I'd just love for you to remember...or at least recall with fondness these days we are living right now.
If you read this some day Aiden and Seamus, know that I started this all for you. This writing and this admittedly pedestrian 'soul searching'. But at it's core, it's to help you remember me.
When he left me, it was all I could do to try and remember the instances...the treasures of memories I know were in this head of mine. Closing my eyes tight and trying to 'squeeze' my brain to uncover them just doesn't seem to work any longer although the indelible ones remain: When he held me in desperate fear as I couldn't help myself form crying as my brother left the house...never to 'truly' be seen again. When he came home from Amsterdam, exhausted from his business trip, with a toy motorcycle. When he brought me to buy my first bike. But I can't crack through any more walled synapses to seek more memories. They are fleeting. I have nothing to help spark memories. And so I write this all for you.
These are days. I am struggling and coping and pushing as hard as I ever have. This new job has me thinking like a twenty something again. Like I used to think when I "created." I refuse to yield to anything but joy and self discipline on my bike as each season of the changing leaves seems to speed up year after year. I want to be faster. More fluid. More inspiring to guys like me. Balancing all this while trying to be the husband to my wife I know I can be...as she inspires me to do all of this while grounding me with her smile that I am doing right by us. I pray I am doing right by her for what she needs as she evolves. We are all growing.
These are days that I wish for you to remember, boys. I have no desires or expectations in you...save for grace and pride in who you are and what we are building as a family. Well, I do have an expectation then. That you re-instill this passion for life in the family that you create. That every day is something unique...and if you can't see that or believe it, then you're not making it unique. And that you are gifted with knowledge in realizing this...and course correcting to make it so.